Dreaming with a Broken Heart
by ruflylover
Summary: Mellie's thoughts after signing the divorce papers 5x6
1. Chapter 1

A/N: #TeamMellie. This is a one-shot as of now and it is an alternative ending to 5x6 – one where Mellie doesn't let Eli Pope out of prison. If people like it, I may write more. Let me know what you think. If you don't like Mellie, I wouldn't read it. Also, this is currently not Mellitz because I'm not a huge Fitz fan right now.

Xx Kate

Mellie was out. Olivia was in. It was done, final, definitive. The Grant's were officially divorced, and there was no going back. Mellie should have been devastated, she should have been reeling in anger, she should have been screaming at the top of her lungs demanding _her own_ justice. And she had been, just an hour ago, in fact. But now, Mellie Grant was none of those things. Mellie Grant was nothing but numb. After signing the papers and saying her final words to her husband, the fight had drained quickly from her body. It had been a long time coming after all, 15 plus years in the making, and the moment had finally come. She shouldn't have been surprised really, what did she expect Fitz to do? He no longer loved her and he hadn't for a very long time. "Olivia…the only woman I've ever loved." That's what Fitz had said just an hour earlier. Mellie couldn't blame the man. She could understand Olivia's appeal. She was the real deal. Too good to pass up. Olivia Pope was loving and generous and kind – things that Mellie used to be, but no longer was. Things she hadn't been since that night 15 years ago in the Governor's Mansion...That night she had allowed Fitz' father take everything from her. Looking back, she wished she could turn back the clocks – push Big Jerry a little harder, scream a little louder, be a little stronger. Perhaps things would have been different. Perhaps she would have been able to love her husband like she wanted so badly to. Maybe she would have been able to stomach the sight of herself in the mirror. She probably would have been a better mother, a better friend, a better wife…But there was no point in wallowing in what could have been. She had let it happen and then she had let herself push her emotions so far and so deep inside herself that nothing was left but a cold, outer shell of a woman, a woman that could not and would not let herself love. Mellie had nothing left. Being married to Fitz had been the last shred of her former self – the last bit of hope she had been holding onto– and now he was gone and she didn't really know who she was without him. The Mellie that Fitz had married was gone. She was completely empty now.

The moment she had stepped into her make-shift room in the Blair House, her red jacket and matching skirt had been discarded haphazardly to the floor, she couldn't even stand the feeling of that unyielding fabric touching her skin one moment longer – those stiff clothes, clothes that represented the last decade and a half of her fabricated, contemptible, horrid existence. She had been building Fitz up for so long, sacrificing everything for him; she had forgotten what it was like to feel human. She had turned herself into a machine for him… a cold, hard, mechanical beast. And what did she have to show for it? She didn't like the woman she had become and she despised what her life was now. The only thing that was keeping her from taking the razor blade from her shower and slitting her wrists right there and then was Teddy. That baby boy represented the worst moment in her life but somehow he was everything to her. He had been a pawn – having a baby to hide a lie, to prevent a scandal. It had been a low point for her – one of those moments you look back on and can clearly say with absolute certainty _That's where I went wrong._ Yet every time she looked into his cerulean eyes she saw hope. Teddy was America's baby, but more importantly he was Mellie's baby. After Jerry died, Mellie had vowed to protect the only son she had left with everything she had in her. _I get Teddy_ she had told Fitz. She hadn't meant it, really. She wanted Teddy to grow up with his father too, for Teddy to know he had two parents who loved him dearly. But in that moment, she had been feeling defensive, empty and territorial – Teddy was all she had left.

Mellie now stood in front her mirror, clad in only a black matching set of lace undergarments, which she now looked at in disgust. Who was she trying to impress? Her husband hadn't seen her naked body in months and he hadn't truly _seen_ it in years. With two aggressive movements, Mellie pulled those from her body too. Still though, even naked, she still felt too bogged down; something was still on her, something that made her feel heavy and chained. She looked down at her left hand, her wedding ring still glistening in its perfect simplicity. She twisted it around her finger slowly and then without a second thought pulled it loose and let it drop at her side. It made no sound as it hit the carpet.

"I'm going to be better," she said to her reflection. "I'm going to be better for Teddy."

This Mellie was gone – Fitz' Mellie – Smelly Mellie, Crazy Mellie, whatever Mellie that used to be there – she was going to erase those Mellie's. She was going to start fresh.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Can't stop. Won't stop. #TeamMellie. This story is practically writing itself. I love Bellamy's portrayal of Mellie. She's such a truly intricate character, it's actually kind of fun to try and dig under her surface a little. I hope you enjoy this next chapter. I still don't know if I'm going to make this multi-chapter. We'll see.

I forgot to mention before: All characters belong to ABC and Shonda.

Thanks a bunch to the reviewers as well. This chapter is for you. Especially you, Clio. I appreciate the time you took to write down your thoughts.

Xx Kate

If it hadn't have been for the fact that the water had run cold, Mellie wouldn't have gotten out of the shower. An hour underneath the scorching stream didn't even begin to cover the amount of time she needed to forget the occurrences of the day. Despite how hard she had been trying, Fitz' words still played on repeat in her head: _The only woman I've ever loved. The_ only _woman I've ever loved_. Was it true? Had Fitz never loved her? Had she been ornamental from the start? Had she and Fitz truly been _nothing_? She thought back to the apartment on Morgan street, that damn electric blanket, her body and Fitz' intertwined every moment they got. She wiped away a tear forming in the duct of her eye. Mellie wasn't going to cry over this. So she had been played. So what? It was too late. She'd given her whole life to this man. It was over.

Mellie pulled her red silk robe around her small frame and tied it so tightly around her abdomen she could hardly breath. In that moment, she felt like the sash was the only thing holding her body together. She was a broken woman, a woman who no longer knew herself…or perhaps she had never really known herself. She dug her teeth into her bottom lip, drawing blood. The thought chilled her to the bone.

She set her mind on hooch. She pulled her wet hair into a bun, drying it would have to wait until later. Alcohol first. Forgetting the day first. That was her goal for the night. _Tomorrow I'll be better_ , she told herself…but first things first, its time to forget. Hooch would do the trick.

She had planned on grabbing the bottle off her nightstand and taking it into the sitting room with the view of the White House lawn, but her plans had been thwarted as soon as she stepped into her bedroom.

"Mellie."

Mellie stared blankly at the man. "Fitzgerald." She forced her face to remain expressionless. "What are you doing in my bedroom?"

"You left before we could finish our discussion." His voice was soft, sad even.

Mellie couldn't help but scoff slightly at his word choice. "Our discussion? Is that what you would have called it?" Her voice was not raised. It was sad, too. She couldn't find the energy to be angry. Two sad souls filled the room. Both confused. Both hurt. Both exhausted.

"No, I suppose not. It was the blame game, not a discussion," Fitz responded after a while, "That's what we do best, right Mellie?"

They both looked at the floor, not able to meet each other's gazes.

"Why are you here?" Mellie asked again, her voice breaking as she spoke. That got Fitz' attention. His eyes jerked towards hers and when they locked, the hurt was palpable between them.

"What happened between us?" Fitz asked instead, standing from the bed.

Mellie dragged her hands over her face and shook her head, "Let's not do this, Fitz."

Silence filled the space between them. Why was he here? Why did he stand between her and her hooch? Why did he always seem to stand in the way…She just wished he would leave.

"I came to say… I want Teddy part time," Fitz stated firmly. He was about to say more. He was about to make his case. He hadn't brought it up in the meeting earlier, but he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it since Mellie had left. He wanted time with his son. He deserved it. He was a good father. He was about to conjure up his nerve, to fight for him if need be, but Mellie interrupted before he could start.

"Of course," she said simply.

"Of course?"

"Yes. Of course you can have Teddy part time." She offered no further explanation. No reason for why she had changed her mind.

He was silent for moment. "Thank you."

Mellie nodded solemnly and blinked back tears. Fitz noticed and immediately felt uncomfortable. Yet he didn't make a move to leave.

"Is that it?" Mellie asked, clearing her throat nervously.

"Mellie…" He wanted to stay. He wanted to make sure things were all right between them. He was furious with her, he could barely stand to look at her, he might even hate her but that didn't change the fact that they had been married for nearly twenty years and she was the mother of his children. He didn't want to see her hurting.

"Did you ever love me?" She asked suddenly, ripping Fitz away from his thoughts.

"What?"  
"Did you marry me because I was the perfect choice for a politicians wife or did you marry me because I was the perfect choice for you?"

"Mellie, don't act like being a politicians wife isn't what you wanted…"  
"So you never did love me." It wasn't a question.  
"I didn't say that…" Fitz stated firmly.

"You didn't have to," she said sadly. He searched her eyes from across the room. Neither spoke for what felt like hours. Fitz couldn't find the right words to say to his wife. His _Ex_ wife. _Of course I loved you_ seemed like a lie to him now. He loved Olivia Pope and he had for a long time. It was hard for him to remember back to a time he was truly in love with his wife. But seeing Mellie's face, stripped of make-up, pale and drawn, he couldn't just say nothing, either. That would have been cruel.

"You were right, earlier," he began, taking a few steps toward her, "You were right. I am the common denominator. I've done many things that I am not proud of, Mellie. I've sent people to their deaths for the one _I_ love…" Mellie cringed noticeably at his word choice. He of course meant Olivia. Starting a war for Olivia Pope. "I only mean to say that… I understand why you did it. I believe that you did it for me…giving those names to Rowan. What happened was horrible…what you did was horrible…but so was what I did. We've both done _horrible_ things." Fitz shuttered at the thought.

"My whole life is made up of horrible things I've done for you, Fitz. But then again, it would be lying to say that I didn't have myself in mind, too. I'm not delusional. I know my part in all of this is significant. I know that I'm the one who shut you out. I know I could have _saved_ us if I'd just have told you about what happened with your father…" Mellie choked on the last word, letting a sob escape her lips. It was killing her to be honest. So many years of faking it and she'd forgotten how to be real. She willed herself to continue, "I couldn't though, Fitz. I couldn't tell you what happened…Every time I tried, the words would jumble in my head and my mouth would go dry. I thought I could swallow it and everything would be okay…I thought _we_ would be okay." She was full on sobbing at this point. Fitz closed the gap between them and grabbed Mellie's shaking shoulders to steady her.

"It's okay, Mellie..." He tried to pull her into him but she jerked away, grabbing onto the bathroom doorframe for support.  
"It's _not_ okay," she blubbered, "I messed everything up. I convinced myself you loved me and I locked you in a marriage you had no desire to be a part of…and for what?"

"I did want to be a part of our marriage, Mellie." That was the truth.

"For the aesthetics," she corrected softly, "Because without a wife you would never have been elected President of the United States… and I was…there, and it was an easy choice, I get it."

"It _was_ an easy choice," he agreed.

Mellie inhaled audibly, her mouth opening slightly, hurt and devastation apparent on her dejected face. Was he really going to admit it? She hadn't truly prepared her heart to hear it. That he had never loved her.

"It was an easy choice to marry you, Mellie, because I _loved_ you. Yeah, it was practically an arranged marriage, you're right. But the moment my father introduced us, you had me," he smiled sadly, "That long chestnut hair, those blue eyes, that chin dimple," he placed his finger on his favorite part of her face, "you had me."

More tears pooled in her eyes. "Thank god," she breathed out, clutching at her robe's collar. His brows furrowed and she could tell she had confused him with her response so she continued, "I thought I had gone crazy. We were in love, right Fitz? I'm not nuts, at one point you and I were in love."

"At one point, yes, Mel. We were in love."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Okay, this is a long authors note, so if you don't want to read it, just skip down. First off, I just want to thank all the people who have reviewed. I really enjoyed reading all your reactions and how you perceive Mellie as a character. I find it really interesting how different everyone's opinion are. I've never really come across anything like it in any other show I've watched. Some people despise Mellie and some people love her like crazy. It's an either/or situation, it seems like there is no in between. Personally, (you can probably tell) I love her. I think her character is so complex. She's intelligent but she makes terrible decisions, however I think deep down she's a good woman who just lost herself. Somewhere she crossed a line and she just couldn't find her way back. And like VietAngel said in her review, I believe that Fitz and Mellie were in love and good for each other at one point (evidence in flashback episode) and my heart broke for her too when he said he's only ever loved one woman. Anyway, sorry for the rambling: this is most likely going to be the last chapter. (Unless people really want me to write more) I feel like the only reason I wrote this is because what happened in 5x6 between Mellie and Fitz really upset me and I feel like they need better closure than that. I agree with Zetastyle and Scandalllover1, I think Mellie's character is too strong and smart to take Fitz back even if he wanted to (I don't think he would anyway). They've treated each other horribly and they both deserve better. Anyway, enough talk…let's get to the story.

" _I thought I had gone crazy. We were in love, right Fitz? I'm not nuts, at one point you and I were in love."_

" _At one point, yes, Mel. We were in love."_

"But we aren't any more…" Mellie bit her lip. It was still sore from drawing blood earlier.

"No, we aren't _in_ love anymore," Fitz agreed softly, "But Mellie, some part of me will always love you. You are the mother of my children and I care about what happens to you."

"I care about you too, Fitz," she choked, "I know that we bring out the worst in each other as a couple. But I still want to be a _team_. We need to be a team."

Fitz nodded and tentatively took Mellie's hands in his. This time she let him.

"We need to be a team for our baby, Fitz. Teddy is _two years_ old. He needs both of us. Karen still needs us too…and Jerry," she added tearfully, "Jerry would want us to get along."

Fitz squeezed Mellie's hands in his own, "He wouldn't want us at war."

The two searched each other's eyes finally feeling like they were landing on some sort of understanding.

"I want to move on," Mellie added, "and I want you to know it's going to be hard for me. You have Olivia," she said her name with a bit of disdain, "But I'm going to be alone. I'll have no one…"  
"You'll have me," Fitz said hesitantly.

"No, no I won't. Fitz, I want to be able to do this on my own. I know I can do this on my own. I don't want you to be there…if I fall, I mean. I have to pick myself up now, on my own, I have to pick myself up and…move on." She was having trouble getting her words out. Her voice kept catching in her throat. Fitz could see her struggling.

"If there is anyone who can do that, Mel, it's you. You've been through so much and you're still so resilient and strong, I'm sorry I did a lousy job at seeing that…"

"We both know how to hit each other where it hurts, don't we?" Mellie chuckled sadly.

"That we do."

Mellie tried to smile at Fitz, to show him that she could, but the tears in her eyes gave her away. Fitz knew his ex wife, he knew her through and through – her ups and her downs; they had experienced everything together. He pulled her into his arms for the last time. His fingers found her hair, still damp and tied up in a messy bun. He pulled it gently out of the holder, and let it fall down her back. He grabbed a fist full of her chocolate locks and squeezed her tighter with is other arm. She clung to him with all the strength she had left. They both needed this. It was closure.

"You really did break my heart, Fitz. I know I'm not innocent in all of this, but you really hurt me," she cried into his chest.

"I'm so sorry, Mellie, I'm so so sorry," He repeated over and over again into the nape of her neck. He had to admit, he would miss the smell of her. A mix of vanilla and rose. He breathed her in for the last time.

Mellie pulled back from him, her arms bent and her palms against his chest. This time she smiled, "I'm sorry, I know you don't like "crybaby" Mellie," she sniffed and giggled sadly.

Fitz shook his head and put his hands on her silk-clad waist. "You know that I never meant what I said that day," he spoke hardly above the whisper. They both remembered that conversation in the Oval all too well.

Mellie grimaced and searched Fitz' eyes. In them, she saw sincerity. He was truly sorry.

"I'm going to be better, too, Fitz," she told him. Fitz smiled at her warmly.

"I'm so glad we can be honest with each other, Mellie. You have no idea how glad I am…"  
Mellie nodded in agreement.

"Listen," she began, "I was planning to drink myself into a stupor tonight," she laughed, "But I was wondering if, since you're here now, you would want to join me in reading a bedtime story to Teddy. He's in the nursery with nanny Jen."

"I would love to, Mellie," he responded, touched that she would ask him.

"Great." She blushed slightly. Without hesitating, Fitz gently took Mellie's hand in his own and they walked together across the hallway.

With a quiet knock, Fitz opened the door to Teddy's room and the couple walked in to find Teddy already in his bed, nanny Jen sitting on the edge, "The Giving Tree" in her hands.

The young woman looked up and smiled, surprised to see the two together.

"Mama and Dada!" Teddy whispered excitedly, sitting up in his bed.

"Hi baby," Mellie waved, a wide smile spreading on her cheeks. Fitz looked at Mellie and then back at Teddy and couldn't help but smile as well. "We were thinking we might do story time tonight, Jen, would that be okay?" He spoke to the nanny.

"Oh! Of course, Sir, I'm sure Teddy would love that," Jen replied quickly, handing the book to Mellie and swiftly making her way out of the room.

Teddy's eyes were drooping and Mellie and Fitz could tell he was exhausted, but he was doing his best to perk up for his parents. It wasn't very often he got to spend time with both of them at the same time.

Mellie crawled across the bed and onto the other side of Teddy and curled into him, "Do you mind if mommy snuggles here?" She asked him, kissing the side of his cherub cheek.  
Teddy giggled, "Yeah, and daddy right here," he patted the other side of him.

Fitz laughed, "You got it, buddy," he said, sitting on the edge and throwing his feet up. He reached his arm over Teddy's pillow and grabbed Mellie's shoulder, pulling his family into his side. The group sighed collectively and Mellie opened the book. She stole a quick glance at Fitz, who couldn't take his eyes off of her, and began to read: "Once there was a tree…and she loved a little boy..."

Fitz closed his eyes as she read, letting her voice lull him into the most relaxed state he had been in for years. This is what it was supposed to be. Mellie and Fitz: partners. A team. Raising Teddy together, side by side, in sync, content. This is how it was supposed to be.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: So, as much as I want this story to keep going, I feel like this was a good place to end it. However, I really do want to keep writing fanfics for Mellie or Mellitz. So if you have any ideas/prompts that you want to offer up, I would be thrilled to write more! Let me know in the reviews! Thanks!

Xx Kate


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